the mother's prayer, by tina fey

I am so in love with this excerpt from Tina Fey's new book, "Bossypants," that I had to share it with all of you.  As the mother of a daughter, it rings clear as a bell and unbelievably close to heart.  And it's absolutely HILARIOUS. Thank you, Tina, for giving me one more reason to join your fan club.

The Mother's Prayer for its Daughter
by Tina Fey

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
 
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
 
When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with beer.
 
Guide her, protect her... when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
 
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes. And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.
 
May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.
 
Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short - a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day - And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
 
O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
 
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
 
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
 
Amen.

8 comments:

Loukia said...

Crap. Everything is making me burst into tears this week! Including, of course, what I just read here. Wah!

Patty @ A Day in My NYC said...

This is so beautiful! I'm so glad you posted it...now I'm going to go hug my mom :)

Sonja said...

Every word, so true. The tattoos and the internet are my worst fears, I think. And those go for a son, too.

Jill said...

I love her and that is HILARIOUS (and true).

Karen Bannan @ NaturalAsPossibleMom said...

Absolutely true! I wish I would have written this. I'd probably add a line about getting engaged too early, and something about abstaining from being the indigo part of the Rainbow Party. (Google it. I hear it's all the rage at Bar Mitzvahs and Sweet 16s.)

LaLicenciada said...

WOW, I loved that!!!

Tina Fey is so friggin awesome.
My fave is the Hollister one. I burst out laughing.
Thanks for sharing.

Best,
Li
@LaLicenciada

Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress said...

So very, very true. I wish the same for my daughter. Except, I, myself may need a few beers to deal with that rough patch from ages 12-17, as my daughter is turning 12 this year. I'm scared. Hide me.

Babymama said...

Found you on FTLOB...glad I did. :)

Have never seen this before. Too funny. And true.

xo
babymama
avagracescloset.blogspot.com

Related Posts with Thumbnails